chaotic neutral.

I think too long before I speak. My diction is on parole & I yearn for eloquent & perfection is always near 2nd. I can’t help but strive to be [excellent] so do me the honor of pretending you can’t sense my judgment; play this game with me. I exude a poor act like an absence of confidence, my inner monologue is no fan of me either. The voice has disappeared.

Silently it tells me these bad dreams are abandoned children of an illness haunting my genes / I try not to buy in & believe. All those seductive lies are gone, too. They were pretty once. Meanwhile I’ll smile for the camera and twist your umbrella in bad weather. I want to fly away lodged somewhere between whore and Madonna. Peeking through blinders over the neighbors; never said a word. I guess I’m too like my father. We both have switches fatefully placed. Flip them at will.

Can’t bake without a recipe; I bring no pastry that isn’t laced. My heart races even when I rest and I assume around the corner a medical emergency awaits. My doctors assume death embraced or nothing is wrong since I never call… I couldn’t foot the bill either for good health or the marble-colored limousine through the gates of hell at my funeral.

I gave it all I got for certain.


the bonsai man

Enduring adversity from all angles
    brutally beautiful
             in his creator’s gaze
                     & mine

  the art of mimicking invulnerability
                   @ a seconds notice
                           direct — to obstinate
                    nurturing nature’s perfection

           never pleading for reprieve
     merely the strength to withstand
                             given the need


breadcrumbs are for the birds

I don’t like being alone
    yet I don’t like being in a crowd

       I’ve adapted to loneliness
           now it’s second nature
              is it wise
                   did I have a choice

                             How exactly
                         does introspection
                               present itself

                       How else does one mend
                           fences in themselves
                                 they’ve broken?

                       Who do people announce to
              time & again their own staggering

Their epiphanies/their rebirth?

                            Who then
                                 besides them
                                      gives acknowledgement?


don’t panic

Yeah I’ve got a second
   let me catch my breath
     spending hours on the phone
        even if

             all the time
       I’ve got

              producing audiences
                   I’m a showdog dontcha know?
      the bitch who bit her owner
                           during the show
                  & still won the highest medal

                   careful now —


caring for poltergeists like Tamagotchis

I am threaded
     wielding blades
       like [death to] a salesman

         sitting pretty in abstract misery
     gliding over keyboard keys
            as/if musically

              I am caged

                    breathing for ______
         sunbeams to break
                    through the overcast
                           sanguine as the demon
               against my back

                         whispering for nothing

            ghosts never see fit
                                   to haunt me


the definition of alien

I keep a Great Silence
     for the pejorative
     knowing intelligent life
      compounds outside
                 a human skeleton
                            scar tissue
                        & bone loss

              Many have existed before us
      & surely descendants will struggle hence
            root to tip change with the wind
                warped into future tense
      unknowing if we’ll see it

          I can say I am always
                     tempting fate
          knowing one day it’ll fuck me up

      what if this ARG is thicker
                    than we thought
           & multiverse is a pretty term
                 for thinning it out


a girl is disillusioned hailing cabs that don’t stop

The celebrations came and went
   without my attendance
     I didn’t even send a text message
       & I don’t regret it
       How was yesterday any different?

     Cute. It wasn’t.
        I was never the same person
          so if I’m astray you don’t need to
                                          pay attention
           I hope the next card you send
                     is “my condolences,”
   for our murdered connection.

Put down the knife.
           I may be the only one who sees it
                   but I am not crazy
                        simply suspended
                                      forever in
                            dis      |     belief


a lunatic macroscopic sex kitten

Because the thunder speaks
      when you’re asleep
    I’ve got new alarms to peruse
                 so excuse me

        I feel it in my fingertips
      your absence》
           corralled by black mirrors
                    put baby in the corner

                      [without a peep]
                   parked on Broken Blvd
              checking the street
                             for a pulse

d ro pl e ts of common nonsense
         lubricated my vocal cords
                    whenever they vibrate

       I reaffirm your faith
          I’m telling you: I’m this-close
                   behind the curtain
     & you’re never off the clock

            kicking your boots by the door entrapped to little urchins
                     that aren’t mine / scraping @
             the       floor     upstairs

             side  | eyeing my cellphone
                         like creeping magma
                  red hot just in case
              I leave it on the porch




counting bodies like sheep

Where is my mind?
  way out in your cerebral waters
    & I love to deep dive

Even knowing I’d drown its
                knowing what is left
                   is innumerable

    & I love you
       I’ve meant it every time I’ve said it


tell me I’m wrong I dare you

I am searching for stars
   surrounded by concrete
     bricks & bricks of
     low key   degradation

   Watching you pretending to sip tea
  chattering phosphorus
      so much you make me believe
               this matters

           & it matters
             because you don’t understand
       what I do moment to moment
        and silently I gotta say I’m in love

             I tell you with no confusion
            & maybe you’re losing it
      but while I’m here
              you’ll always have a safety net

    I promise you that