I don’t like being alone
yet I don’t like being in a crowd
I’ve adapted to loneliness
now it’s second nature
is it wise
did I have a choice
How else does one mend
fences in themselves
Who do people announce to
time & again their own staggering
Their epiphanies/their rebirth?
I can’t explain how I feel out loud
since I know others have it all wrong
Mindful there’s always someone
& right now it’s just me____
And a potential future down the bottle
So where’s the light at the end of the tunnel
Or am I just going to catch it tomorrow
Speeding towards a new day’s uncertainty
A truant kind of destiny?
I have not been taking care of myself lately so
I know I should start there
But a devil on my shoulder hisses it’s
“A fruitless endeavor; you’re meant to fail
whatever you came here for it’s not there
and no one cares, now suck it up,
spit it out, every bad memory taking shape in your mouth”
Don’t ever leave, don’t ever try
Just pray you’ll survive the night
I grind my teeth in my sleep
& halfheartedly say it must be stress
I don’t know that yet… maybe I’m
too tightly “wired” & something
flipped the Switch
I am a blackened bulb st(r)uck on
I am the ghost that reappears unaged
from the day you last saw me alive
My eyes coast over; misty goldgray glass
held up to a warm icy blue
& it’s like I never saw you
How much I like to play “pretend”!
have all of my “friends”
(Author’s Note: Peering through a hindsight glass can make old faces appear in color like a kaleidoscope.)
Lo’ and behold,
You do as you’re told
and the consequence
remains the same.
Poor lamb. You shine outdoors
seeking hope in stars
because they fill the cavern
you made when you said “shame”.
Don’t you Ever want to start over?
Don’t you Ever want to turn back time?
Little defeats, apocalyptic defeats,
Nomadic retreat into yourself &
Ask yourself this;
Do you think even
If the outcome were shifted. . .
even the slightest
You still would’ve been
Who you are &
what you are